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I am so privileged. I know that I am blessed, materially and emotionally, with a good job, a great education, a beautiful family and many friends. Despite that, I sometimes feel that life is too difficult, that I don’t have the energy anymore to keep up with everything. Staying close to friends, maintaining our marriage, spending basically all free time with the children, working hard, trying to figure out what to do with my life, it takes a lot of energy. And today I just did not have that. So I let it go today. Spent the day doing routine work that has piled up, took a long lunch at the neighbourhood Starbucks with a book and to be honest did very little productive work. In the evening we were invited for dinner with a couple of friends and their kids. Lovely, and just what I needed, as I came home to a clean house (since nobody had done any cooking etc).

Strangely, for me, when life is difficult, a clean and mess-free apartment is something that will always pick me up, and make my headache go away.Weird really. I guess it has to do with the saying “clutter on the outside, clutter on the inside”… It drives my husband nuts as I will always start cleaning when my thoughts are not in order, regardless of time of day and regardless of how tired I am.

For the past year this has happened a lot. Confusion is increasing, though I really believe my dreams have not changed that much. Roland says confusion is good, he believes it is a vital step in any change process. He is probably right, but I can not imagine that confusion would have to last for so long…? I read somewhere that Albert Einstein used to be confused for weeks at a time, but to be honest I have been seriously confused about what I should do with my life for more than a year now.

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